The age old question after the breakup is “should you remain friends with your ex?” There are divergent points of views on this, some saying “yes” and others saying “no” but the truth is that it will depend on you and your ex, and the relationship that you had and currently have. So how do you go about determining if you should remain friends with your ex?
Determine if you can both put the negativity from the breakup behind you. For most of us a relationship breakup will have negative emotional fallout. However amicable the breakup was there will still be some feelings of loss, some anger, and some frustration and you may need some time apart so that you can both deal with those feelings. You should remain friends only if you have dealt with this emotional negativity. If you still feel some lingering resentment towards him then deal with it first so that you can remain friends.
How he went about this with his ex will determine if you should be concerned they are in touch. Are there any lingering romantic feelings on either side? In any relationship breakup, one of the partners was not quite ready for the end, even if they saw it coming. If your husband is still holding on to feelings for her, you may have a reason to be concerned. If raw tense emotional energy permeates the relationship then he more than likely cannot handle remaining friends with his ex. He will be ready only when the emotional love entanglement is behind him, so if you notice that the relationship is a little more platonic, you need to be concerned.
He should remain friends with his ex only if he truly wants to keep her at that level. Do you want your husband to be happy with this friendship or are you hoping that he will be miserable and cut ties completely? If you are in the latter option, this will start to effect your relationship with him as well and could cause issues in your marriage, despite how he really feels about his ex. Do you resent him for enjoying his friendship with her? Does she resent you? Then your relationship may not be ready for the friendship he is cultivating.
The proof of his readiness to be friends with her is if he can stand by (and even encourage) her to date other women. Does he tend to say things like “he’s not right for her” when she starts seeing someone else? Do you feel visibly upset when he seems interested in her life or relationship? Your feelings on the matter will affect whether or not this sort of arrangement will work out just as much as his will.
Do you both agree on what ‘remaining friends’ means? To remain friends with an ex requires that you clearly define what friendship means to both of you. At the end of the day, the best course of action is to have a rational conversation on the issue to see exactly where every party stands and make sure this relationship is not toxic to yours.